Mark Borkowski

Celebrities – we love them. They wear horny clothes, shag each other, sob at awards ceremonies, and get caught where they shouldn’t, looking dreadful. They’re magnets for paparazzi, jailbait and kiss ‘n’ tellers.

The evidence showed that war support was wobbling. So Tony Blair’s inner circle of spin went all Sergeant Jones about the business, tried not to panic, and got itself in an uncontrollable muddle. All in a tizz, they rushed to launch a smart bomb aimed at the jugular of negative public opinion, but the bomb blew off both their feet.

Anyone expecting to see a Blue Peter-accredited sticky tape expert at Tuesday’s National Television Awards will have been sorely disappointed, as scores of b-list babes in Top Shop frocks gradually came unstuck over the course of the evening.

Until last week, Barney lived in a tank at the Kaspia restaurant in London. The head chef decided Barney was just too old and fat to be drizzled with a piquant tofu, walnut and cranberry consomme and served on a bed of braised watercress a la nouvelle paparazzi.

People tell me Afghanistan makes the Middle Ages look hi-tech and, certainly, in PR terms, the country is missing every opportunity in the book. Rule one – for warmongers everywhere – is let the opposition journalists in.

Publicists and journalists know that there’s a solid, dependable roster of proven no-hopers with the magic “MP” after their names. These guys – too talentless to gain high office, too self-important to sit in backbench obscurity – can push a piece of TV trivia right up the news agenda.

We want our stars to live lives of non-stop, high-profile, high-energy drama and excitement. We want them out there, for us. We don’t want their long-term, loving relationships. After all, we can have one of those ourselves. Take a look at Kylie and Posh Spice.

We’ve entered the world of the semantic attack – and it is an insidious web phenomenon. Semantic attacks target the way individuals assign meaning to content. If something appears in print or on screen, we tend to believe it. We do not check the facts rigorously. We can’t.

Radio 4’s Today programme ran an interview with Geoff Capes during which the icon of the coronary classes put in a plea to save the British takeaway. But what’s this? Horror! It was a stunt!

England v Germany. The media is setting up an exciting array of pre-match excuses for England’s lousy performance, defeat and subsequent failure to qualify for the World Cup.